Not too long ago, it was the one year anniversary of when Zoloft passed away. I had been dreading that day all year. While nothing really materially changed (he was gone the day before and was still gone that day), being reminded of the passage of time was not easy. It also brought up a lot of painful memories of the events that happened the year before (along with some where love shone through the darkness).
Every year for the rest of my life, I’ll have an August 28th to get through. While grief looks different over time, I doubt I’ll ever look at it as a normal day again. Whether you lost a special cat last year or last century, the anniversary may not be an easy day. I want to share what I did with two goals: normalizing pet loss grief, especially when it comes to cats, and helping others with some ideas of to get through. I hope this helps you.
How Should I Grieve?
First, an important quick note: Zoloft was, for anyone who knew me, clearly my soulmate cat. He was my whole world and it felt like everything around my was crushed when he passed. Pet loss grief can vary in severity and that severity appears related to the level of attachment to your pet and your own attachment style.
You may be finding it hard, but not feel quite as devastated as I do about your cat. Maybe you’re a little sad or you’re looking for ideas on how to help someone struggling after their cat passed. There’s nothing wrong with feeling sad, but not completely destroyed or however you feel. It doesn’t mean you didn’t love your cat. Everyone’s grief looks different.
These are suggestions. Make them your own based on what you need, how bad you feel, or what feels right to you. There isn’t a wrong way to do this.
Distract Yourself
One of my very good friends knew the anniversary of Zoloft’s passing would be a really tough day for me. Back in the spring, she told me (didn’t ask, it was clearly a “we’re doing this”) that we were going to do something fun that day. We ended up going to the zoo and it was actually fun.
I even got a little tiger figurine to keep by Zoloft as he rests along with the stuffed cat many of my clients have seen during consultations. I’d always get him little gifts when I’d go on trips so it felt good to do something similar now.
Even if you don’t feel up for something fun, do something distracting or that makes you think. A few ideas:
- Create art or write something. Consider making or working on a scrapbook of your cat’s life to help with those memories
- If you feel up to it, going to work or volunteering may keep your mind occupied
- Go somewhere and do an activity you love doing
- Go out for dinner or just have friends over
Look At Old Photos
I have thousands of photos of Zoloft from our time together. If we had more time together, I’m sure I would have thousands more. While I didn’t have a chance to even make a dent in them, I pulled up my photos and started with our first year together. It was fun reflecting back on the early days when we were just getting to know each other.
You can decide to share or not share any of them, but I shared a few favorites on social media. One I had forgotten about that really struck me when I was browsing photos.
Upon reflection, I think I wanted to share that photo with my network because while it wasn’t any big event, it was special to me. It’s okay if no one else cares or wants to see your post. Sometimes you just need to share something for yourself so you don’t have to keep everything inside, especially if that emotion is love.
Set Up A Memorial
You may not have felt ready to set up a memorial for your cat yet, but with some time it may feel like you’re ready. Memorials are healing to grievers so even if it doesn’t feel great to set it up, it might help. You can also do a memorial service or ritual of some sort because, once again, these are very healing and an important part of grief.
Whatever you set up, it will be unique to you and your cat. I have a very nice wooden cat shaped photo frame I have a photo of Zoloft in that could make simple memorial. You can also do something more elaborate if it feels right and healing to you.
Even If It’s Just For The Day
I find it meaningful to do extra things on special days by Zoloft’s memorial I have set up. For the anniversary of his passing, I got myself some roses and set them up nearby. I felt like he needed a little extra light when the sun began setting as well. While candles would normally be my go to, I wanted to keep things safe so I went with a few LED candles I have on hand. I left them on overnight and then the next day, returned his memorial to normal.
You can always get out a few of your cats things or set up a few pictures as a temporary memorial if you don’t have a permanent one set up. Remember, this is about helping you and maintaining your connection with your cat. Do what feels right.
Connect With Current Pets
If you have current cats or other pets, whether their time with the cat you lost overlapped or they’ve joined your life since, connecting with them can help. I gave my current dudes some of their favorite treats and did a bit of clicker training in honor of Zoloft. He was the cat that go me started on clicker training, after all. It was a lot of fun things that Zoloft loved and my current dudes happen to love as well.
Tell Them About Your Cat
While your cats may not understand exactly what you’re saying, share your cat’s story with them. It can be healing for you and chances are your cats will enjoy the attention anyway.
Poutine and ‘Zac both napped on one of their cat towers they inherited from Zoloft at the end of the day. It was the first cat tree I got him when he came to live with me so it’s a special tower.
I told them all about the cat tree and some of the funny stories of him using that cat tree. I told them stories of the rest of my time with Zoloft and as I looked at photos, I talked out loud to them about my memories.
It felt really good to me to make the connections between my cats. Even if they didn’t care or understand, it didn’t hurt them in anyway. It’s okay to do things that are meaningful to you.
Share Your Cat’s Things With Them
As mentioned above, my dudes get to use a lot of Zoloft’s stuff that they inherited from him. If you have some of your cat’s old toys that are still intact and safe for your cats to play with, make a point of playing with them that day. If it’s a particularly sentimental toy, you don’t have to use that one. Other toys that hold some memories may surprise you with the joy you see when your cat uses them.
I had been thinking ahead to the anniversary for months because I was dreading it. When I was going through the perishable things that Zoloft left behind, I decided to keep a can of his food for his younger brothers for the anniversary. I obviously checked expiration date to make sure it wouldn’t be expired. This may not work for all food, especially if it is opened, but Zoloft had food delivered the day he passed so it wasn’t going to spoil.
Did I cry as I was feeding it to my cats? Yes. They probably thought I was insane and wondered why I wasn’t just giving them their dinner, but it was very meaningful to me that they got the last can of his food that day. One final can of Zoloft’s food got to fill a cat’s tummy.
Use Social Supports
Isolating isn’t a good idea when grieving. Having people who really support you and get it can be helpful. That doesn’t mean you have to reach out to folks in your life who make unhelpful comments or don’t seem to get it. However, if you have people who make you feel heard and validated, it’s a good idea to connect with them. It can be virtually if needed. Once again, do what feels right to you.
Relive Old Memories
I really found the days leading up to August 28, 2024 to be tough. I was remembering some of the bad times because slowly they became the only memories less than a year old. However, the terrible memories at the end aren’t the only memories I have of my precious dude. I used my phone’s search function to look back at photos from two, three, four years ago. I found this picture in particular helpful:
This photo was taken the day we moved into our favorite apartment. It was the place we lived for the majority of our time together and where most of our memories come from. That simple act of trying to remember what else happened that day with my cat in the years leading up to his passing really helped a lot.
Go On A Memory Tour (Again)
The day I picked Zoloft’s ashes up, I went on a tour of the places we lived together with him on our way home. This year, I stopped by the place that I had gone to reflect after we drove by our old homes and looked out on the river again.
In the days before that, I had this weird pull to go visit the places we lived again so I had already driven by old homes when I was in the area. I didn’t bring him or do a full tour that day, but there’s no reason you can’t if it’s accessible to you. Sometimes being in special places can jog memories and help maintain that connection to your cat.
Create New Ones
Regardless of your spiritual beliefs, you can still maintain a connection to your cat after they pass. The idea of continuing bonds is one that I find very comforting. The connection will look very different because you aren’t able to physically show them love, but you can continue to honor and show love to the time you two had together.
I had Z sitting on a scratching post next to me as the sun set on the anniversary. It shone into my living room in such a way that it felt like he was still enjoying napping in the sun. I crocheted him a heart toy for Valentine’s Day a few years back and keep it next to him now so I decided to grab it and take a photo of him in the sunlight.
It wasn’t the same as when he was alive, but the way the sun shone in helped me remember that there is sunshine still in the world and the sun still shines through my memories of him. It felt very meaningful to me to have this photo.
Connect With Your Cat
Continuing bonds is the idea that your relation ship with a cat (or dog, person, or whoever) who died continues, but in a different way. It suggests this is normal and healthy as long as it doesn’t stop you from living your life or isn’t a symptom of a mental health concern. The idea isn’t that you move on so much as integrate the loss.
It’s normal to talk to your cat, write to them, or fantasize about connecting with them again. It doesn’t matter if you believe they can actually hear you because if it helps you feel better, so what? The loss you experienced is significant and you’re not going to just get over it. It’s not weird to acknowledge the loss, accept it, and still find it tough.
Use Different Senses
Memory can be triggered by different senses so take advantage of all of them besides just using sight to look at old photos. If you have something like catnip that your cat loved, give it a sniff. Listen to recordings you have of their meows. Hold some of your cat’s old things. There are different ways to relive parts of your life together.
I found myself drawn to a tiny mitten toy Zoloft got in a box of Christmas toys during one of our first Christmases together. I think he ended up actually enjoying 2 of the toys in that box, but that little mitten was one of them. He’d bat it around and it was adorable. He didn’t necessarily enjoy playing with it as much after a Christmas or two, but for that first year he enjoyed playing with it a lot.
I found the toy in a basket as I was playing with his brothers. Normally I keep all my cats’ holiday toys in the very box that toy came in so I can rotate them out, but this one got mixed in with their non-seasonal toys. Holding the toy brought back some very special memories.
See what things you still have from your cat sitting around and go hold or touch them for a while. It won’t be the same as holding their paw, but it will feel special in a different way.
Take Care Of Yourself
When you lose a special cat, being reminded of it isn’t easy. Anniversaries can stir up tough emotions, positive emotions, or a whole mix of different feelings. You may feel grief similar in intensity to when they first left this life. You may be reminded of grief’s cold sting or hear its nostalgic siren song. Depending on how you feel, you may not have the capacity to do everything you need to.
I took a few days off leading up to and after Z’s anniversary. I also ordered take out and didn’t do anything around my home. As someone who enjoys writing, I did write a few blogs, but I wrote about topics that felt good to me. I prioritized less fun tasks like showering. This is something that helps me feel better even if I really don’t feel like it. All of these are forms of self care.
And you know what? I survived. I didn’t thrive and the day was still really hard, but I survived it. That’s all I needed to do. Next year may be similar or it may be different. It may be better or it may be worse. We’ll see how my grief feels then. Regardless, I’d like to think Z would be proud of me and glad I made it through.
I’m sure your cat would feel the same way. You did it.
