Ways To Keep Your Bond With Your Cat Alive Even When They Are Gone

This blog is part of a series as I process my grief over the loss of my cat, Zoloft, in the hope of helping others process their grief. I am sharing a new blog post every month for the first year on different topics related to grieving a pet. While my focus is on cats, the advice is applicable to dogs, birds, or any other pet you love.

One of the things I found most challenging when Zoloft died was that every aspect of my life suddenly changed. I didn’t realize how much of my day was centered around him and how many places in my life he crept in. Heck, even my robot vacuum was named Zoloft’s Arch Nemesis because hated it. As I began changing my routines, canceling autoship orders for his food, and adjusting to talking about him in the past tense, I developed this feeling of dread.

The dread centered around two themes, essentially: I was going to forget him and I was going to stop loving him. The first one… I don’t think that is realistically going to happen. Sure, I won’t remember everything quite as sharply as time goes on, but that’s a normal part of memory and why we take steps to memorialize those we love. The second one is a bit more complex.

Your Cat’s Life Mattered

Zoloft was the cat that changed my life and had been a huge part of it for over five years. More accurately, he was the center of my life. I loved this cat more than anything in the entire world and the loss hurt more than any other loss I had experienced. Over time, the hurt began to ease in some ways, and for some reason that terrified me. When I was still crying daily, if I didn’t cry first thing in the morning I’d feel guilty that I didn’t really love him.

“Oh my God, Joey, you didn’t cry immediately upon waking 6 weeks after he died. He must have meant nothing to you.”

Hopefully, you see how unrealistic that is, but I share it because I’m sure others experience the same feelings. As much as it hurts to be so sad (I did not enjoy the daily crying one bit), at the same time it feels that as the pain eases, your bond with your cat wasn’t real or it is gone. They’re gone so the bond must be completely dissolved.

Continuing Bonds

I’m here to tell you that my bond with Zoloft is still there, even eleven months later. I don’t love him any less, even if I’m not crying all the time and I’ve resumed some level of functionality. He’s still a part of my life in a different way. You can continue your relationship with your cat even after they’ve died.

Before you leave the page because you worry this is going to take some twist into strange supernatural or delusional territory, you can continue your bond with your cat regardless of your belief system about what happens after you die and there is nothing dark like necromancy involved. Phew!

The idea comes from a psychological concept called continuing bonds. Continuing bonds spun off of the traditional theory of grieving where the goal was to “move on” or come to a point of being completely okay with the loss. Psychologists felt that wasn’t realistic or necessary. In fact, it can be quite healthy to continue to feel a connection to those who are not with us anymore.

You’re not weird for wanting to continue to be connected to your cat, is what I’m saying. In fact, it’s actually healthy and can help you through the grief process.

How Can I Continue To Bond With My Cat?

Unfortunately, your bond will look different than it did when your cat was alive. As much as you want to, you won’t be able to snuggle them in your lap and all the fun games you played with them are just bright lights in the sea of your memory. It hurt for me to accept that so I know that you’re not alone if that stings and it sucks.

That just means you have to adjust your relationship. Honestly, this is similar to how you probably adjusted your relationship with your cat as they aged. Zoloft came to me when he was 8 and was definitely a bit more playful at first. As he aged, he still liked to play but it was less frequent. He began more snuggly and most of the time he was just content purring curled up with me. Our relationship adjusted.

How your relationship adjusts with your cat depends a lot on what feels good to you. Don’t feel like you have to do any one particular thing or that this is an exhaustive list of things to try. There are probably other things that will help you still feel connected that aren’t on here and that’s awesome! Part of grieving your cat is trying different things to see what feels right. Think of these as ideas to help your bond thrive in a different way.

Talk To Your Cat

This one seems weird and again, I don’t mean anything involving the occult here. Whether or not you believe your cat still exists in some form, it’s completely normal to continue to talk to them. It may be a simple, “Hey _____, I miss you a lot.” It can be out loud or in your head. If writing it down feels like it may help, write it down.

If your cat was someone you shared the events of your day with, continue doing that. When you get home, tell them about what happened that day and about your feelings. If they’re still there in some form, they’re listening (cats don’t hate us unlike what some people claim) and if they’re not, you have a chance to vent. There’s no losing.

Create (Or Continue) A Ritual

I used to have a ritual with Zoloft that we’d do before bed. Regardless of where he was, I’d say, “Daddy is going to bed. You can come and snug if you would like. It’s up to you, but your daddy would like for you to come and snug.” Sometimes I’d vary it slightly or say some of the words in a silly tone, but I started it within the first year of when he arrived and continued until the last night he was at home.

After I got his ashes back, I felt really weird not saying my bedtime phrase to him. I resisted for a few days, but then one night I gave in and said it out loud as I was telling him how much I missed him before bed. It felt a lot better to say my normal bedtime phrase because it was one of the little things that made our life together special. I don’t say it every single night anymore to him, but sometimes when I’m really missing him it helps me feel a connection to that part of his life. To that part of my life that I miss so deeply.

If you continue something you did before your cat passed, you may need to modify it slightly. You may develop a new ritual. It could be something you do nightly or on a special day only. It could be something you do when you really miss your cat whenever it happens. If it helps you feel better, then that’s great.

Create A Memorial

Making a designated place or having an item of some kind to memorialize your cat can give you a place to go or something to touch when you really miss them and want to feel their love again. I made a scrapbook and shared a guide on what I did a few months ago. It really helped and has been a source of comfort when I need it as it contains so many photos of my dude along with happy memories.

You can do something simpler or even something more complicated. Perhaps you get an item made out of your cat’s ashes or whiskers made for you to keep close. Maybe you set up photos or a special location in your home where can sit to remember them. If you buried your cat, you can get a special statue, plant a tree (or catnip plant… they are perennials in many climates), or whatever else means something to you.

If you choose to make something yourself, the act of doing so itself can be a way to continue your bond with your cat. Many people find creating art, writing, or doing other creative activities healing. Doing something intentionally with your cat in mind can help you grieve while also keeping their memory alive.

Help Another Cat

No, this section is not going to suggest you immediately go out to adopt another cat or that you attempt to replace your irreplaceable friend. There are many ways to help other cats that are less extreme or healthier options, respectively.

Chances are you have plenty of cat items you’ve acquired. Consider fostering a cat or donating some of your cat’s items to a local shelter if you don’t think you’ll get another cat for a while and they are in decent shape (there’s nothing wrong with keeping them for your next cat, either). You can volunteer at a shelter or go provide some positive attention for cats who may need some extra love. Maybe you have a neighbor whose cat you can offer to watch and spend some extra time playing them. The cat will appreciate it and you’ll get some time in with a different kitty.

If you’re not ready to be around cats directly, perhaps a donation to a local cat charity, Mission Meow, or a local veterinary school may help. If you’re local to Minnesota, the University of Minnesota Veterinary Medical Center offers memorial bricks in their memory garden that helps them provide services for people experiencing the loss of a special companion. Even a small donation in your cat’s honor can feel like a way to keep their memory alive. You can even make it a reoccurring gift if you’re inclined or it’s in your budget.

If you’re so inclined, please consider a donation to the University of Minnesota Veterinary Medical Center in Zoloft’s honor. They took care of Zoloft while he was with me and were so kind to him up until the very end.

Does My Bond With My Cat End When They Die?

The loss of a cat is a terrible, terrible thing. In all honesty, you likely will miss them for the rest of your life. I’m doing better than I was the day, the week, and even the month after Zoloft passed, but I’m fully anticipating there always being that bit of longing for just one more snug. To give him just one more treat. To feel just one more purr.

Our bond is still alive, though. Every time I help a client with their cat’s behavior, I connect to Zoloft. Our bond shines bright in those moments.

The goal of grief is not to “get over it.” Honestly, you may never get over it entirely. When you feel you’re doing okay and things haven’t hurt for a long time, you may suddenly get hit with a wave of grief even years down the line. That just speaks to the incredible bond you and your cat had.

Rather, I should say that you and your cat have.

The bond you share with a special cat never truly goes away. It changes to something different that will become special in a different way as time goes on. It’s okay if you want to continue that bond in a different way because the bond is still there. Regardless of whether you believe your cat is watching you from above or that they exist only as a treasured memory, the love you have for them endures.