What term do you use to refer to yourself in relation to your cat? Many people use the word “owner,” but others may choose a different term such as guardian, cat parent, or something else entirely.
For many, they don’t put much thought into how they refer to what they are to their cat. There’s not one word that fits every situation perfectly (and spending too much time trying to find to perfect word may result in getting stuck on the euphemism treadmill), but I’m not a huge fan of the word owner.
Owner implies that the cat is an object and it’s not the best way of thinking about what we are to our cats. It’s fine to think about owning a stuffed replica of your cat, but for your actual cat? A bit problematic!
Rather than viewing yourself as owning your cat, consider the dynamic as being something different: look at it as being a relationship. Depending on how you view animals, it may seem silly to say you have a relationship with your cat. There’s a practical reason to reframe your thinking: improvement in your cat’s behavior.
Let’s explore the idea of having a relationship with your cats and how it benefits you to lose the owner title.
Rethinking Cat Ownership As A Relationship
While animals have been viewed historically and legally as property, we’re gradually recognizing that pets are sentient beings. Cats, in particular, used to be seen as easy pets. Many of now realize that cats are a lot more complex than we’ve considered. They need a lot more attention beyond just leaving out food and keeping a litter box clean.
Part of this shifting change means more people recognize a simple truth: cats are alive and each cat is different. Beyond the surface, this realization has a lot of implications on how we view our cats. A cat being a living being means it’s completely normal for them to:
- Like certain foods and not like others
- Not want to be petted all the time even if we want to pet them
- Have preferred associates, whether that’s another cat or a human
- Have behavioral, emotional, and social needs
- Say no to things they don’t enjoy
- Perceive the world differently than we do
This is hardly an exhaustive list, but hopefully you can see a few themes: autonomy and preferences. As much as people will say that their cat is an asshole for not liking a certain food (an example I saw recently in my local Buy Nothing group), the reality is that the cat just doesn’t like the food they were offered. That’s something we do as people. Please don’t ever offer me mushrooms as I will not eat them.
Our Cats Form Opinions About Us
Getting back to the idea of having a relationship with your cat, cats being sentient creatures implies that our cats have feelings about us. Cats form memories and opinions of us even if they are different than how we remember things. How we interact with them affects how they view us.
This is exactly the same as any relationship we have with another person: how we act toward other people affects their opinion of us and shapes the relationship we have. Every interaction we have with our cat changes our perception of them and their perception of us. That’s a relationship.
It May Not Be Mutual Affection
Like human relationships, our cats may not feel the same way we do about them. They may like us but we don’t like them or the other way around. I used to joke that my dad was Zoloft’s favorite human because when my dad would visit, Zoloft would ignore me to go focus on my dad.
My dad was a bit nervous and unsure how to respond to Zoloft at first so Zoloft’s affection was bordering on unrequited love! Not that my dad disliked him, but the intensity was different.
As an aside, my dad did such an incredible job of learning about Zoloft. Their relationship grew over time and it was really incredible seeing him get to know Zoloft. It’s been fun seeing that translate to Poutine and (especially) Prozac. I’m very proud of my dad!
Communication
Another key feature of a relationship is communication. Not all relationships include healthy communication, but communication is part of all of them. We often communicate with our cats (even if they don’t understand what we’re trying to communicate) and our cats communicate right back to us. If you’re my cat Poutine, you communicate a lot.
Our cats are constantly communicating with us via their body language and behavior. That doesn’t mean we’re good at receiving or understanding what they’re communicating, but they try. It’s why I recommend every who is new to cats pick of a copy of Kitty Language so they can better understand what their cat is saying.
Similarly, our behavior and our mood affects our cats even if we don’t intend to have that happen. Our cats’ behavior can affect us right back. We’re communicating even when don’t try.
Behavioral Benefits To Relational Thinking
Even if you think I’m nuts for thinking of having a two way relationship with a cat, it does directly benefit you to view yourself as having a relationship with your cat. You can recognize this regardless of any other views about cats.
Ultimately, the problem with viewing yourself is owning a cat is that it, consciously or unconsciously, makes it more acceptable to ignore their communication. People feel justified in trying to force their cat to use a litter box they hate or ignoring the needs of their cat.
Cats, being living beings with unique personalities and needs, can’t reasonably be expected to just put up with being bored, scared, or frustrated. We also can’t expect them to bend to our will without making compromises in return. Our cats put up with a lot from us as is! When people treat their cat like an object, their cat doesn’t get their behavioral and psychological needs met. This leads to behavior problems.
Solving Behavior Problems
If your cat has a behavior problem, thinking of your relationship with your cat will help you address their behavior. For example, rather than thinking your cat is biting you because they’re being a jerk, you may think there’s something you’re doing that may be contributing to the behavior. You can then think about what might they be trying to communicate to you and ultimately finding a solution.
Maybe you realize you haven’t been holding up part of your end of the relationship by playing with your cat regularly. Their behavior seems consistent with play aggression so you try playing with them more. The behavior then improves and everyone, human and cat, is happier!
Plus, doing things like using a spray bottle on your cat can make play aggression worse. Because you thought of the needs of your cat and your own role in their behavior, you didn’t end up with a more severe aggression situation.
Language Affects Perception
It’s well documented in the human psychological literature that language affects how people see the world. While I’m not aware of any direct studies on on this, it’s not much of a stretch to say that how we talk about our cats affects our perception of them.
By using a term besides “owner” to refer to our cats, we acknowledge that cats are sentient creatures with needs and preferences. Rather than being frustrated by them not enjoying a toy, you can begin seeing it from their perspective: why would they play with a toy they don’t like? You probably had plenty of toys you didn’t like as a child. That’s not abnormal!
What Term Do I Prefer?
If you read my other blog posts, you’ll notice I use many different terms to refer to the relationship between cats and humans: owner, human, cat parent. This variety is somewhat intentional as I want to meet people where they’re at with the language I use, but some of it is simply habit. Changing our behavior and views on cats takes time even if we work with cats professionally!
When it comes to my own cats, I use a different term to describe our relationship: friendship.
Sure, we don’t have a traditional friendship because I’m tasked with making many decisions for them, but it really accurately captures how we live our lives together. My cats are my friends and those friendships are some of the most special friendships I have. Like human friendships, they none of them replace each other. They’re all special and unique.
A Friendship So Special
When I was first grieving the loss of Zoloft, the cat who inspired me to begin working with cats, one of the ways I coped with the loss was writing about our life together. The first post I created about grief included the phrase “a special friend” because that’s really what he was to me: a friend so special that his loss left a massive hole in my heart. I didn’t think about the term I used that much (I was not doing well at all), but looking back it just makes sense.
That friendship began eight years ago today. As I approach any anniversary associated with Zoloft and our time together, I can’t help but reflect back on how magical of a friendship we had. Like any relationship, it wasn’t perfect. At times it was messy, but in a friendship the messiness gets eclipsed by the irreplaceable joy, love, and silly memories.
Picking a term that feels right to you is a personal decision. Even if you don’t decide friendship is the right term to describe your relationship with your cats, I hope your relationship is a friendship because nothing can replace the friendship of a special cat.
