When Zoloft passed away, I got a package from Chewy that day. It contained his food along with a few gifts I had purchased for his upcoming birthday. It was a pretty awful thing to get because everything in that package represented things I’d never be able to do with Zoloft:
- Feed him his food again. The food I just got two cases of.
- Play with the fun Halloween toys I got him.
- Celebrate his birthday again.
And so much more. There were so many things I realized I’d never be able to do with him that I wanted to so badly. One of the many terrible aspects of grief is not just the loss of the special little moments or small things you love about your cat; it’s also the things that you won’t get to do.
The List Grows
Because of Zoloft’s cancer, I had taken a financial hit. I was planning on buying a house, but getting him care was more important. Still, because we had moved recently, it meant I didn’t get to build him a huge wall of cat shelves like I had hoped or he wouldn’t be around in the place I eventually settled into as a more long term home.
I knew there were things I wasn’t going to experience with him, but as I got to spend more time with his successors, the list only grew. Poutine, Prozac, and I did some painting together and, while it was very fun, I realized that I never got to do that with Zoloft. I’m making an ornament with fur from Poutine and Prozac inside of it and… I never did that with Zoloft.
Even Things Become Missed Moments
I work with cats professionally so I spend a lot of time researching cat products and trying them out. One of them is the Desk Nest. It’s a cat bed that floats above your bed and Poutine in particular loves napping in it. Zoloft had passed away already by the time it was even available to order and he’d be gone right around a year before I got mine.
When I got mine and first saw Poutine resting in it, I quickly realized that… Oh. I wish I would have had this while Zoloft was here. He would have loved napping near me while I worked. Well, he would have loved that if he wasn’t curled up on my lap as he so often was.
And then the was the memory book I purchased after I adopted Prozac. I never got to make one with Zoloft. I made a scrapbook after he passed, but… I wish I would have gotten a book like this with Zoloft when he came into my life.
This has happened with so many things since he left. I wish I could share more cool experiences with him. There are so many toys and more I wish I would have gotten to try with him because I wasn’t aware they existed until he was gone. His brothers love them, but if only I discovered them sooner. If only I thought of that project a year earlier…
And New Things To Learn
But it’s not just stuff that I wish he could have enjoyed. I took an Advanced Animal Training course earlier this year and learned so many cool training things to work on with my cats. But I can never try them with Zoloft. We had so much fun training together, yet I’ll never be able to do any of these things with him.
I miss learning with and learning from him. He taught me so much.
Things I Get To Do Because Of My Cat
As time passes and I get further away from my time with Zoloft, I don’t miss him any less. Sadly, the list of things I wish he and I could do together only continues to grow. There are some bittersweet elements, though, as I’d like to thing I’m doing a few things that would make him proud of me.
In a few weeks, I’m speaking at a conference that he and I attended together virtually while I was just getting started. I never imagined I’d one day be speaking at it, but I’ve come a long way. He taught me so much and those early weekends together allowed me to grow so much.
I’d like to think, if he’s still out there somewhere, I’m going to make him proud. He’s the reason I’m where I am right now. And while I have a long list of things that I wish so much more than I can put into word that I’d be able to do with Z, I’m hoping one day I’ll have an even longer list of things I got to do because of him.
